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New Element Discovered

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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named “Bureaucrastratium,” has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic weight of zero. However, it does have one neutron, 70 assistant neutrons, and 161 sub-assistant neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 232. These 232 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electron, Bureaucrastratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to researchers, a minute amount of Bureaucrastratium, added to one reaction, caused it to take four days to complete. Without the Bureaucrastratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred in less than one second.

Bureaucrastratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, sub-assistant neutrons, and assistant sub-assistant neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic number actually increasing after each reorganization.

Research indicates that Bureaucrastratium tends to concentrate in certain locations, such as government agencies.

Scientists warn that Bureaucrastratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

— Anonymous

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