Shocking revelations about the sinking of the RMS Titanic have just come to light. U.S. officials have long kept this information secret on grounds of national security.
It turns out that after the Titanic hit the glacier, ship officials calculated that the vessel could still be saved by unloading a large amount of weight from the ship. After casting aside everything they could, they still needed to get rid of some excess weight. They made some quick calculations and immediately summoned several Americans into the main cabin. The following is a verbatim transcript of what transpired:
Ship Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, the Titanic is sinking, but calculations made by our engineers show that there is still one way to save the ship and all the passengers. That’s the reason I have summoned you to this meeting. All of you have brought with you large suitcases containing your welfare-state benefits of Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid and your warfare-state benefits of military contracts. Our officials have made careful calculations and concluded that if you will just throw these suitcases overboard, the ship — and everyone on it — will be saved. Therefore, would you please proceed to your cabins, grab your suitcases, and toss them overboard?
Passenger Smith: Are you crazy? We have a right to our welfare-state benefits. During all of our work lives, the government taxed us to fund the retirement and health-care costs of the old people. And now that we’re the old people, we have a right to do the same thing to young people that the old people did to us when we were young. We’re not about to give up our dole, not even to save your crummy ship.
Passenger Jones: Yeah, and what do you mean asking us to give up our warfare-state benefits? Don’t you know that we have a right to our military dole? You’re asking us to give up all the wars we’re waging all across the planet! What about national security? Why, everyone knows that if we gave up our warfare dole, the entire nation would fall into the hands of the communists, the terrorists, the drug dealers, and the illegal aliens. Figure out some other way to save your leaky vessel.
Passenger Roberts: Hey, you want a solution? I’ve got it. Just round up all those rich people in the first-class cabins and push them over the side. There’s your excess weight.
The Titanic ended up sinking.