I’ve got a fantastic idea! It will almost certainly appeal to two large segments of American society — those who thirst for security and those who thirst for political control. My hunch is that both John McCain and Barack Obama and their supporters will immediately embrace my idea as soon as they hear about it.
Here’s my idea. Instead of partially nationalizing the banks, let’s have the federal government do a complete nationalization. Yes, that’s right — let’s have the federal government take over and own all the banks and investment houses.
Now, you’re probably thinking: Hey, that would be great because the federal government would now be the owner of all the bank’s loans and mortgages, which would mean no more foreclosures. After all, unlike private bankers federal officials love people. The last thing they’re going to do is repossess people’s cars or foreclose on their homes, especially given that congressional elections are every two years.
But my idea involves something much bigger and grander! How about having the federal government take ownership of everyone’s homes too — and then simply let people stay in the homes for free? Just think — no more mortgage payments and no more rent! Is that an awesome idea or what?
In fact, why limit federal ownership to banks and homes? Why not go all the way and have the government take over everyone’s businesses? Just think — no more worrying about making a profit, pleasing those nasty consumers, or being exploited by employers. Everyone would be working for the federal government, which is devoted to serving the people. No more wasteful middlemen, speculators, price-gougers, and profiteers.
Just think of the benefits my idea would bring to healthcare. As the nation’s sole owner and employer, the federal government would own all the hospitals and clinics, and all the doctors would be working for the government, just like everyone else. Healthcare would be made free for everyone.
The federal government would take over all the schools, both public and private. Just think — no more multitudes of local school districts with their own separate taxes, textbooks, and curricula. Instead, one big federal school district with uniform standards and even uniforms. Think how much money could be saved! And education would be free for everyone, including college students. Don’t forget: All the teachers, like everyone else, would now be federal employees.
The anti-immigration crowd should be ecstatic over my idea, especially those who argue that America is one giant national home with a door that federal officials can legitimately lock to keep out foreigners.
Oh, did I mention that people’s income would finally be equalized, since everyone would be working for the same employer? Just think — no more exorbitant pay for CEOs, no more excess profits (corporations, including oil companies, will be owned by the federal government too), and no more obscene severance packages.
In fact, no more taxes with my idea because everyone will be working for the government, with salaries set by the government. I’ll bet the anti-tax crowd will come aboard when they hear that!
No more wild swings in the stock market because they’ll only be one owner of all the stock — the federal government. No more greed and no more waste. No more losses and no more profits.
Admission to movies, museums, opera houses, amusement parks, concerts, and other recreational activities would be free.
Everyone would be guaranteed a pension for life along with free medical care. People would be free to retire at 50.
Just think: My idea would finally bring peace, security, harmony, and happiness to the American people. No more worries, no more concerns. We would finally be a national family — with one owner and one employer, with our federal officials constantly watching over us and taking care of us.
Now, I’m sure that there will be some naysayers out there, especially those kooky libertarians who will raise their silly notions about freedom. But hey, what greater freedom than freedom from want, from worry, and from stress. And keep in mind that everyone will be able to access unlimited goods and services for free. What greater freedom than that?
The skeptics will undoubtedly say that I’m too idealistic and that it’s not possible to create this heaven on earth. But they’re wrong. My idea is possible to achieve. Just ask the people of Cuba, North Korea, and China.
Let’s get moving!